Something Completely Different 2: Why There Are No Xenopology Majors at MU
Alexandra Erin on July 16, 2009 in SCDAE’s note: Our second guest spot is from Meilin Miranda, author of An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom. Tomorrow I’ll be posting the third and final of these. Next Monday, the update blitz begins anew.
Tonight’s offering is a little story called…
“Transfer student?” said Kiersta, stomping down the hall. Behind her trailed a cheerful young woman, backpack over one shoulder and dragging a suitcase in her free hand. “Why would you want to live in this madhouse? Why wouldn’t you want to live in one of the human dorms, where it’s safe?” She stopped in front of a door. “You are human, aren’t you?” she said, squinting down at the paperwork in her hands. “Yeah, right here: ‘Sumary Stapinski, race: human.’ I get paid to live here. Why would you live here for free!”
“This is my practicum! My major is xenopology,” said Sumary. “Study of non-human races. I grew up in C____. It’s a very well-cleansed area, so if I’m going to study non-human races–”
“I know what xenopology is, thanks,” grumbled Kiersta as she searched through her keys. “I’m taking it whether I want to or not, right here, every day and every night!” Kiersta unlocked the door. “Here you go. Your very own room–a safety single. Double locks on the door and warded to boot. When you’re ready to leave, just drop the key off at my room. I’ll be back around eleven tonight.”
“Is that when I can normally find you–your office hours or something?”
“No, I’ll be back around eleven tonight,” repeated the RA. “That’s when I figure you’ll be wanting outta here. Oh, Khersis, here comes the welcome wagon.”
Sumary looked up. An elf in a diaphonous dress that did nothing to hide his obvious maleness was strolling toward them. “The welcome wagon?” she said. But Kiersta was already gone.
“Hel-lo, new meat!” said the elf. “Need some help with that?”
“Oh, yes, thanks!” said Sumary as the elf took her suitcase. She held out her hand. “I’m Sumary Stapinski! I’m a transfer student! Very glad to meet you!”
“Steff,” said the elf, ignoring the hand. “Transfer, eh? Where are you from, Sarah?”
“Sumary,” she said, “and I’m from C____.”
“You’re from C____ and you’re in Harlow?” said Steff. He threw the suitcase into the room, followed by the backpack Sumary didn’t remember taking off. “C’mon. You don’t wanna be in there by yourself. Over here’s where the action is.” Steff grabbed her by the arm and pulled her down the hallway into another room and closed the door.
“Steff, you are supposed to introduce people I don’t know,” said a pretty blond girl in a fluffy pink sweater.
“I’m sorry, Two, this is Sheila.”
“Oh–it’s Sumary.”
“Right, Sumary. She’s a transfer student. Sumary, this is Two. Two, this is Sumary.”
“You already said that. Hello, Sumary who is not Sheila, I’m very pleased to meet you,” said Two, extending her hand. Sumary extended her own; the blond girl with the odd name shook it precisely three times, as if counting each shake in her head. The final shake was hard enough that Two’s bangs parted, and Sumary saw that it wasn’t a nickname. “You’re supposed to say ‘Hello, Two, I’m very pleased to meet you,'” said the golem girl.
“Hello, Two, I’m very pleased to meet you,” said Sumary enthusiastically. “Is that common golem practice? Telling people what to do? I thought people told golems what to do, but then I’ve never met a golem!” She slipped a small notebook out of her pocket and scribbled something with an attached pencil. “This is all so new! I never met an elf before either. Do all elf males wear dresses like this? I thought it was just the females.”
“Steff is a girl,” said Two.
“Is this a mixed-gender dorm?” continued Sumary. “I thought the men were on one side and the women the other.”
“They are,” said Steff.
“So you live on the men’s side here?”
“Steff, who is a girl, lives with her boyfriend on the men’s side, and Mack is her girlfriend,” said Two.
“Steff who is a girl…?” said Sumary, finally looking up.
“Steff who is a girl,” said Steff pointedly.
“And you live with your boyfriend, Mack? In the men’s dorm? But he’s your girlfriend? Let me get this straight–”
“Yeah,” said Steff, “that’s not a word we like to use around here, Shirley.”
A muffled sound drew Sumary’s attention to the bunk bed to one side; the lower half was curtained off, and she’d assumed it was used for storage. “Scuse me,” said Steff. She pulled the curtain back. Inside was a snoring naked girl; Steff grabbed an arm and a leg and shifted her to one side. Underneath was another naked girl, this one awake.
“Thank you,” gasped the girl. “I was having trouble breathing. Who’s this?”
“This is Sabrina–”
“–Sumary.”
“–Sumary,” answered Steff. “She’s a transfer student. Sumary, this is Mack. That’s her girlfriend Amaranth on top of her.”
Sumary gave a tiny wave, then said, “Wait, Mack’s a girl? And I thought Mack was your girlfriend.”
“Oh, she’s got bunches of girlfriends,” said Steff. “Why, you interested?”
“Interested?” said Sumary. “I just met her! Sort of. And I don’t think it’d be ethical for me to date across the racial line. Um, what is Mack?”
“I’m really sorry,” said Mack, “but I have enough lovers already.” Amaranth snorted in her sleep. “If you look on the wall over there, though, there’s a red thing–you see it? Ow. Steff, can you shift her again? Her elbow’s in my eye. So, yeah, the red thing on the wall.”
Sumary turned to see a little red metal box tacked up on the wall. Protruding from it was a tag that read, “42.”
“You can take one of those if you want. I think I’m up to number twelve,” said Mack.
“No, honey,” said Steff, “you’re up to twenty-three.”
“Huh,” said Mack. “Who were thirteen through twenty-two?”
“You need to write things down, missy,” mumbled Amaranth.
“I think Sally’s doing enough writing already,” said Steff.
“This is all very interesting!” said Sumary, still scribblng.
“MACKENZIE!” bellowed a heavily accented voice from the doorway; Sumary turned to find a very angry girl standing there, tail and ears twitching.
“A fox girl!” said Sumary. She didn’t know whether to clap in delight or keep writing, so instead she began to sketch the elaborate hair atop the fox girl’s head. “I didn’t even know–do all your kind have such beautiful hair? That must take, like, hours! Gosh, I want to touch it!”
“Be quiet, lesbian! Do not try to sex me by complimenting my beautiful hair! Everyone can already see that it’s beautiful!” The girl turned back toward the bed. “A new disgusting lesbian! You are never going to have time to make my weavesite now! I told you, Mackenzie, you have enough nasty lesbian girlfriends, of which I am not one!”
“Go away, Sooni,” said Steff.
“Who is she! Who, who, who!” insisted the fox girl, stomping her foot.
“She is the one person in this entire dorm who doesn’t have the slightest sexual interest in any of you,” said Amaranth, sitting up. She squinted at Sumary. “Not the least bit. Straight as an arrow, vanilla as frozen yogurt. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“Amaranth’s a nymph,” said Steff.
“Oh!” said Sumary. “A nymph! I had heard there were two here, but–I mean, I haven’t ever heard of nymphs leaving their fields. Not that I’ve ever seen one, we grow our crops the normal way. This is so exotic, I’m going to love living here! Would you mind telling me a few things?” she continued, pencil poised.
“Oh, not at all,” said Amaranth. “I love talking about my work! I didn’t think you’d be interested, judging from your–I’ll just say I’m surprised.”
“When I told people I was going to live here for my practicum, they all said something about ‘harlots,'” said Sumary. The temperature in the room dropped several degrees, but Sumary continued on, heedless. “Were they talking about you specifically or are all races here indiscriminately promiscuous?”
“Don’t people fuck in C____?” said Steff.
“Oh!” said Sumary, blushing. “Yes, I suppose they do, but–well–we only have people in C____, and they’re certainly not indiscriminate or promiscuous. I’m talking about other races.”
“People,” said Steff. “Practicum. Huh.”
“This is a wonderful opportunity for me! I’m most interested in how all of you get along, especially since most of you wouldn’t meet each other in the wild,” said Sumary.
“WHO! IS! THE! NEW! LESBIAN!!!” shrieked Sooni.
“This is Sumary,” said Steff, eyes narrowed. “‘Wouldn’t know each other in the wild.’ I was right. You’re a xenopology major, aren’t you.”
“Yes!” said Sumary brightly, putting her hand out again. “I hope to increase understanding of non-human races, so that we can find ways to help them integrate more fully into society!”
“We have our own societies, thanks,” said Steff. “You’ve got a lot of nerve moving into this dorm, I’ll give you that. Hey, Amy, can you tell if Vanilla Girl here is a virgin?”
“Why would you want to know that?” said Sumary nervously.
A little while later, Two and Steff lugged a heavy bundle up the stairs to Steff’s room. “I did not think Amaranth would like this idea,” said Two.
“She makes exceptions for xenopology majors,” said Steff. “Besides, Mack needed to eat, and I have a midterm coming up.”
hmmm, yummee, it certainly saves a lot of effort when your meal delivers itself to you. though i would of thought keeping her around to “milk” every month when Mack needs her virgin bloodmeal.
Of course to keep the cattle virgin, they would probably have to install one of the goblin chastity belts on what was her name from C_?
Susan, I think.
No, no it was Sara! I’m sure of that.
Ugh. That was painful. I liked the previous story a lot better…
wut.