Enjoy!

“Adele, where have you been? We’ve been trying to reach you all week!”

“Sorry Momma, I’ve been busy and this place is so crazy. I got your messages, but it was always too late by the time I got in.”

“Child, when you are that far away from home for this long, it is never too late to ‘flect.” Her grandmother Dottie said reprovingly, “You know I’m up with the chickens.”

“You wake up the chickens, but the cows put you to bed.” Adele said with a laugh.

“Still got that smart mouth, so I guess you’re doing alright. How’s the food?” her grandmother’s eyes flicked critically over her face, “You look thinner than the last time we talked.”

“It’s okay. I’ve just been really busy lately. But my room is nice and the classes are interesting.” Adele glanced around, “I even managed to remember to do my laundry this week.”

“Make any friends yet?” Her mother asked softly, “Do I need to send you a care package? Just to help break the ice?”

“Momma, this is not high school. I talk to a few people, but you know I have to be careful. If I get upset…”

“Careful doesn’t mean you never talk to anyone. You need to make some friends. This will be hard enough, don’t make it harder on yourself.”

“I just said that I…” Adele caught herself before her mother could launch into her regular diatribe about manners “Yes ma’am. I’ll try.”

“Promise?”

“Momma…I…yes, I promise.” She scrubbed her hand over her face, “There are a couple of girls on my floor that are nice enough. I usually hang out with them if I’m not too busy.”

“It’s just…we worry about you. I worry about you.” Her grandmother added, “We want this to be a good experience.”

“I know.” She smiled reassuringly, “Look, I need to get going if I’m going to finish my homework and actually have time to do anything fun tonight. Love you.”

“Don’t make us wait another week to hear from you.” her grandmother and mother chided before they closed the connection.

Adele puttered around her room for a few minutes, before guilt made her grab her shoes from their place by the door. She paused to check her appearance, quickly picking out a flat spot in her afro before making her way to the lounge.

“Adele, I can’t believe you actually came out of your room. What’s up?” Keisha asked, as she leaned back over the arm of the couch, her brightly colored locs trailing perilously close to a plate someone had left sitting on the floor.

“Unless old pizza is a good conditioner, you might want to watch those things.” Jessie commented dryly from her perch on the chair next to the couch, “You’re so busy digging in her business, you can’t mind your own.”

“I was just trying to be friendly. What’s wrong with you?” Keisha snapped as swept her hair to safety, “Oh, let me guess no word from…what was his name again…Darryl? Darren? Dickhead?”

Jessie’s eyebrows winged up, and she scrambled to her feet so fast Adele drew back to avoid being in the line of fire, “His name is David.”

“Whatever. He’s a jerk, and you know it. That’s why you’ve been moping for the last two hours.” Keisha turned to Adele, “It’s so boring. Especially since we’ve still got the rest of the school year to get through, and being stuck with a mopey roommate is no fun.”

“You could have left with everyone else, gone to that party or whatever that they were going on about a while ago.” Jessie sniffed, “I didn’t make you stay here.”

“Hordes of drunken frat boys aren’t my thing.” Keisha shrugged, “Besides, we can come up with something fun to do. Right Adele?”

“Sure. What do you want to do?” She rested her hands on the back of the couch, “It’s kind of dead in here. Is there anything else going on tonight?”

“We could go to one of those games they’re always advertising.” Keisha offered, stealing a glance at Jessie “That could be fun. Get your mind off of David and whatever his excuse will be this time.”

“That could work.” Adele followed Keisha’s gaze, “Jess, what do you want to do?”

“I want to call my boyfriend and yell at him, but that wouldn’t exactly be fun for you two. Me either actually. We could try the big Veil party. Maybe the music won’t suck and the frat boys will be sober?” A slow smile spread across Jessie’s face, “Actually that sounds like a great idea. You in?”

“Are you crazy? Those…things could get you. You know they’re all going to be there.” whined a voice from the doorway. They all turned to see Cassandra twisting her hands and shifting nervously from side to side as she said, “It’s not safe.”

“Pfft, it’s not like they can kill us. Plus, if we’re going to study magic we might as well study magical creatures.” Jessie said with a shrug.

“This isn’t about studying, you just want to prove a point to David.” Keisha smirked, “I like it. If he’s going to be off playing commando, you might as well show him that he can’t be the little woman sitting home tending dinner and waiting for a ‘flect when it suits him. I’m in. Adele?”

“I…” She made a show of looking conflicted before saying “It could be fun. As long as we take our weapons, what’s the big deal?”

“One of them is a demon. She drinks virgin blood.”

“Guess you should stay here then.” Keisha sneered. “Let me get my ax and we can head over there.”

Adele settled in on the couch to wait, while Jessie and Keisha ran to their room. After they were out of earshot Cassandra hissed, “You’re going to get someone hurt. Taking them over there at night. How can you be so evil?”

“It wasn’t even my idea.” Adele rolled her eyes when Cassandra’s hands started to flutter in her lap, “Besides no one invited you remember? So you’re perfectly safe.”

“No one is safe as long as you’re here. I’ve seen you when you think no one is looking. You can make people do things, and they don’t even know it. You wanted to go out, and Jessie’s pissed off so you nudged her into it.”

“I didn’t say a word. I just asked a question.” Grimacing in distaste when Cassandra plucked at her sleeve she added “If you think I’m so dangerous why are you touching me?”

“I’m trying to figure out how you do it. I can see most magics, but I can’t see or feel yours and I know it’s there. It’s a subtle compulsion, but why else would anyone act the way they’re acting right now? They liked me at first, but then you came and now…”

“That was before they were subjected to your endless nagging.” Adele let out a heavy sigh, “I don’t need them to come with me tonight, if I want to go out I can go alone. They were bored and this was their idea.”

“Liar. Things happen around you. Bad things, and sooner or later I’ll figure out how you’re doing it.”

“Paint me as some villain if it makes you feel better, but I’m just another student. You were the one that told Keisha she’d look better if she lost twenty pounds. Didn’t it occur to you that she’d get mad?”

“That was your fault too. I’ve never spoken to anyone that way in my life.” With that Cassandra swept out of the room, leaving Adele to snicker at the melodramatic exit.

“That girl is crazy.” She muttered to herself, pushing away a frisson of unease about the confrontation when the other two young women returned sans weapons “What’s wrong?”

“We just realized that we need costumes.” Keisha groaned, “And I don’t have anything good.”

“They’re not mandatory.” Seeing the mutinous expression on Jessie’s face, Adele bit her lip “What if you just wear masks? I have a few in my room from home that we could put on. They’re a bunch of different colors and styles…”

“That could work.” Following Adele into her room Jessie added, “I can’t believe you got the single. Oh I wanted this room when we did the tour. How did you pull it off?”

“Luck. Well that, and my grandmother being the best saleswoman ever. By the time she was through talking to the people in housing it was all they could do to remember their names.” She gestured at the ornate feathered masks decorating the wall across from her bed “Just pick whichever one you want.”

“Are you sure? These are really nice. I don’t want to mess it up at the party.” Keisha traced the glittering thread woven through the iridescent feathers of the mask closest to her “Though we would look awesome if we all wore plain outfits and these…”

“They’re…sturdier than they look. Just pick one.” Adele stretched up on tiptoe to pull down one covered in black feathers, silver beads, and tiny shimmering stones. “I’m all set.”

Jessie chose one covered in red feathers and gold beading, “Keisha, just take that one. You can wear your blue dress and it’ll look great.”

“Okay, it’ll only take me a second to change.” Adele replied, “Meet in the lounge in 10 minutes?”

“Sounds great to me.”

While the other girls hurried off to get dressed, Adele dashed around her room grabbing and discarding a couple of outfits before settling on a black dress with a thin thread of silver embroidery twisting around the collar and hem. She picked up her staff, flicking her wrist to compress it so that she could clip it to her waist before walking out to meet the other women.

They hurried to the ball in a whirl of cloth and laughter and Adele found herself enjoying the chance to relax. Navigating the entrance left them all feeling a little ill, so when Jessie pointed toward a vacant couch Adele followed happily. They sat for a while, watching the crowd and laughing at the costumes.

“I know you ladies didn’t come just to people watch. Me and my friends are looking for dance partners. You in?” A guy dressed as a gladiator asked with a smile.

They glanced at each other and giggled, “You do have cute knees. Let’s see if you can use them” Keisha replied.

On the dance floor they let the music carry them away, switching partners a few times until Adele was forced to wave her hand in defeat and say “I need something to drink if we’re going to keep this up. What are you guys? Dance majors?”

The tallest of the three, a handsome black man with short hair and deep dimples replied, “No, just from a very small town where the weekly dance was the height of entertainment. I’m Paul by the way. What’s your name?”

“Adele, the girl in the red mask is Jessie, and that’s Keisha.” She grinned at him, “We can finish introductions by the punch bowl.”

“Bossy.” He chucked her chin, “At least that way I’ll get to see your face. Come on.”

They chatted amiably about majors and dorms while they waited in line, and it wasn’t until the punch was gone that Adele realized that they were alone in an alcove “Oh you’re good. I didn’t even notice the others walking away.”

“I’m good.” Paul pressed a hand to his chest and feigned shock, “This was all you. I just wanted some punch before you dragged me back out on the dance floor.”

“Mmm-hmm, so I guess that means you’re ready to go back?”

“Not so fast. We’re here. We might as well make the most of it.” He leaned over to kiss her and Adele slid out of his reach, her dark eyes twinkling in amusement “Sorry, I just thought…”

“I think we should at least exchange last names before I kiss you.” She smiled, “Possibly have an actual date?”

“So I could get a kiss and a date? I’ll tell you my last name, my dorm room, and introduce you to my roommate if that gets me a second date.”

“Let’s start with last names. I’m Adele Kensington” She stuck out her hand, “And you’re Paul….”

“Robeson.” He took her hand, covering it with his as he said “So this date, how’s tomorrow night sound?”

“Works for me.” Screaming and a commotion outside drew her attention away from the warmth of his hands, “We should probably go see what that is, right?”

“Much as it pains me to say it, yes.” He shifted to put himself in front of her as the noise level increased, “Maybe you should stay in here.”

“If we’re going to date? I’m not the girl that stays behind.” Adele replied acerbically, “I can take care of myself.”

“I knew you were going to say that” He let out a heavy sigh, “At least stay behind me for now.”

She didn’t reply, instead settling her mask in place and getting a firm grasp on her weapon. She followed Paul back onto the dance floor, jumping aside as a gelatinous blob flickering with energy flew at them. Watching the mass eat its way through the wall behind them she asked, “What the hell was that?”

“I don’t know. But this is not good.” He spun in a circle, “There’s magic everywhere and none of it is under control.”

“Over here!” Keisha yelled from the far corner.

They ran towards her, ducking several times as more blobs flew overhead. As they burst into the alcove they nearly tripped over someone sprawled on the floor, “Anyone know what happened?”

“Someone spiked the other punch bowl and some idiot with more power than sense tried to summon…I don’t what they tried to summon, but we’ve got this mess.” Jesse replied, “I can’t raise campus security, the exits are blocked, and sooner or later those things are going to bring the roof down.”

“So, what you’re saying is that if we’re lucky we’ll get squashed instead of consumed by unknown magics. Great.” Paul peered back the way they’d come, “If only I knew what they’d done I could try a suppression spell. But if I use the wrong one…”

“Rocks fall, everyone dies.” Adele closed her eyes and concentrated, “I think I can hold them off if you can get everyone to the exit.”

“It’s too dangerous, if the magic backfires then you could get trapped in your own spell.”

“Who said anything about a spell?” She turned to Keisha and Jessie, “Get everyone up and ready to run.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Show you why they gave me a single.” Adele grabbed Paul’s collar, pulling him down to plant a kiss on his stunned face, “Just in case you don’t want to do that after this is over.”

Before anyone could react she flicked her wrist to extend her staff and stepped out into the center of the room. As the balls raced overhead she tensed, waiting until one came close enough for her swing and knock it at the empty alcove where she’d been standing earlier with Paul. Behind her she registered dimly that people were scurrying for the exit, even as she batted one blob after the other in the direction of the first one.

“Adele! Come on, everyone’s out.” Paul yelled from the doorway.

A rumbling overhead gave Adele enough warning to deflect a chunk of the ceiling, “You first!”

“Not without you. Come on, or I’m coming over there to get you.” A piece of the floor in front of her fell away, “Hurry, before you get hurt.”

Adele closed her eyes, focusing on holding the ceiling up as she said tightly “If I try to leave now you could get hurt. Get out, I can take care of myself.”

“Like Hell.” Paul dashed across the room, leaping over gaps that appeared as more and more of the floor fell away, “This whole place is falling apart. You keep doing whatever you’re doing and I’ll get us both out of here.”

He hoisted her over his shoulder and propelled them both through the air as the last of the floor fell away. Sliding down what was left of the banister and out into the open air, they fell into the arms of the waiting crowd.

“Is she okay?” Jessie demanded, as Paul laid Adele down before collapsing next to her on the grass “Why are her eyes closed?”

“Because I needed to concentrate.” Adele sat up, “This idiot was determined to play the hero and looking at him was distracting me.”

“It’s the dimples. They distract everyone, even my mother. You’ll see when you meet her.”

“Meet her?” Adele frowned, “I figured that after what just happened you wouldn’t….”

She trailed off as Keisha interjected, “Honey, I don’t know what folks are like where you’re from, but generally when you save a guy’s life their mother will like you.”

“My mother doesn’t use magic either. She’s like you.” Paul cracked open one eye “Do you do that thing in your sleep where stuff flies all over the place if you have a bad dream?”

“Um…yeah. How did you know?”

“I overheard your friends talking about your great single. My mom had a single when she was here too.” He frowned, “My dad’s going to laugh his head off. Don’t be surprised if they start talking marriage. Mom didn’t save his life until their second date.”

Tonight’s offering is a little story called…

“Transfer student?” said Kiersta, stomping down the hall. Behind her trailed a cheerful young woman, backpack over one shoulder and dragging a suitcase in her free hand. “Why would you want to live in this madhouse? Why wouldn’t you want to live in one of the human dorms, where it’s safe?” She stopped in front of a door. “You are human, aren’t you?” she said, squinting down at the paperwork in her hands. “Yeah, right here: ‘Sumary Stapinski, race: human.’ I get paid to live here. Why would you live here for free!”

“This is my practicum! My major is xenopology,” said Sumary. “Study of non-human races. I grew up in C____. It’s a very well-cleansed area, so if I’m going to study non-human races–”

“I know what xenopology is, thanks,” grumbled Kiersta as she searched through her keys. “I’m taking it whether I want to or not, right here, every day and every night!” Kiersta unlocked the door. “Here you go. Your very own room–a safety single. Double locks on the door and warded to boot. When you’re ready to leave, just drop the key off at my room. I’ll be back around eleven tonight.”

“Is that when I can normally find you–your office hours or something?”

“No, I’ll be back around eleven tonight,” repeated the RA. “That’s when I figure you’ll be wanting outta here. Oh, Khersis, here comes the welcome wagon.”

Sumary looked up. An elf in a diaphonous dress that did nothing to hide his obvious maleness was strolling toward them. “The welcome wagon?” she said. But Kiersta was already gone.

“Hel-lo, new meat!” said the elf. “Need some help with that?”

“Oh, yes, thanks!” said Sumary as the elf took her suitcase. She held out her hand. “I’m Sumary Stapinski! I’m a transfer student! Very glad to meet you!”

“Steff,” said the elf, ignoring the hand. “Transfer, eh? Where are you from, Sarah?”

“Sumary,” she said, “and I’m from C____.”

“You’re from C____ and you’re in Harlow?” said Steff. He threw the suitcase into the room, followed by the backpack Sumary didn’t remember taking off. “C’mon. You don’t wanna be in there by yourself. Over here’s where the action is.” Steff grabbed her by the arm and pulled her down the hallway into another room and closed the door.

“Steff, you are supposed to introduce people I don’t know,” said a pretty blond girl in a fluffy pink sweater.

“I’m sorry, Two, this is Sheila.”

“Oh–it’s Sumary.”

“Right, Sumary. She’s a transfer student. Sumary, this is Two. Two, this is Sumary.”

“You already said that. Hello, Sumary who is not Sheila, I’m very pleased to meet you,” said Two, extending her hand. Sumary extended her own; the blond girl with the odd name shook it precisely three times, as if counting each shake in her head. The final shake was hard enough that Two’s bangs parted, and Sumary saw that it wasn’t a nickname. “You’re supposed to say ‘Hello, Two, I’m very pleased to meet you,’” said the golem girl.

“Hello, Two, I’m very pleased to meet you,” said Sumary enthusiastically. “Is that common golem practice? Telling people what to do? I thought people told golems what to do, but then I’ve never met a golem!” She slipped a small notebook out of her pocket and scribbled something with an attached pencil. “This is all so new! I never met an elf before either. Do all elf males wear dresses like this? I thought it was just the females.”

“Steff is a girl,” said Two.

“Is this a mixed-gender dorm?” continued Sumary. “I thought the men were on one side and the women the other.”

“They are,” said Steff.

“So you live on the men’s side here?”

“Steff, who is a girl, lives with her boyfriend on the men’s side, and Mack is her girlfriend,” said Two.

“Steff who is a girl…?” said Sumary, finally looking up.

“Steff who is a girl,” said Steff pointedly.

“And you live with your boyfriend, Mack? In the men’s dorm? But he’s your girlfriend? Let me get this straight–”

“Yeah,” said Steff, “that’s not a word we like to use around here, Shirley.”

A muffled sound drew Sumary’s attention to the bunk bed to one side; the lower half was curtained off, and she’d assumed it was used for storage. “Scuse me,” said Steff. She pulled the curtain back. Inside was a snoring naked girl; Steff grabbed an arm and a leg and shifted her to one side. Underneath was another naked girl, this one awake.

“Thank you,” gasped the girl. “I was having trouble breathing. Who’s this?”

“This is Sabrina–”

“–Sumary.”

“–Sumary,” answered Steff. “She’s a transfer student. Sumary, this is Mack. That’s her girlfriend Amaranth on top of her.”

Sumary gave a tiny wave, then said, “Wait, Mack’s a girl? And I thought Mack was your girlfriend.”

“Oh, she’s got bunches of girlfriends,” said Steff. “Why, you interested?”

“Interested?” said Sumary. “I just met her! Sort of. And I don’t think it’d be ethical for me to date across the racial line. Um, what is Mack?”

“I’m really sorry,” said Mack, “but I have enough lovers already.” Amaranth snorted in her sleep. “If you look on the wall over there, though, there’s a red thing–you see it? Ow. Steff, can you shift her again? Her elbow’s in my eye. So, yeah, the red thing on the wall.”

Sumary turned to see a little red metal box tacked up on the wall. Protruding from it was a tag that read, “42.”

“You can take one of those if you want. I think I’m up to number twelve,” said Mack.

“No, honey,” said Steff, “you’re up to twenty-three.”

“Huh,” said Mack. “Who were thirteen through twenty-two?”

“You need to write things down, missy,” mumbled Amaranth.

“I think Sally’s doing enough writing already,” said Steff.

“This is all very interesting!” said Sumary, still scribblng.

“MACKENZIE!” bellowed a heavily accented voice from the doorway; Sumary turned to find a very angry girl standing there, tail and ears twitching.

“A fox girl!” said Sumary. She didn’t know whether to clap in delight or keep writing, so instead she began to sketch the elaborate hair atop the fox girl’s head. “I didn’t even know–do all your kind have such beautiful hair? That must take, like, hours! Gosh, I want to touch it!”

“Be quiet, lesbian! Do not try to sex me by complimenting my beautiful hair! Everyone can already see that it’s beautiful!” The girl turned back toward the bed. “A new disgusting lesbian! You are never going to have time to make my weavesite now! I told you, Mackenzie, you have enough nasty lesbian girlfriends, of which I am not one!”

“Go away, Sooni,” said Steff.

“Who is she! Who, who, who!” insisted the fox girl, stomping her foot.

“She is the one person in this entire dorm who doesn’t have the slightest sexual interest in any of you,” said Amaranth, sitting up. She squinted at Sumary. “Not the least bit. Straight as an arrow, vanilla as frozen yogurt. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Amaranth’s a nymph,” said Steff.

“Oh!” said Sumary. “A nymph! I had heard there were two here, but–I mean, I haven’t ever heard of nymphs leaving their fields. Not that I’ve ever seen one, we grow our crops the normal way. This is so exotic, I’m going to love living here! Would you mind telling me a few things?” she continued, pencil poised.

“Oh, not at all,” said Amaranth. “I love talking about my work! I didn’t think you’d be interested, judging from your–I’ll just say I’m surprised.”

“When I told people I was going to live here for my practicum, they all said something about ‘harlots,’” said Sumary. The temperature in the room dropped several degrees, but Sumary continued on, heedless. “Were they talking about you specifically or are all races here indiscriminately promiscuous?”

“Don’t people fuck in C____?” said Steff.

“Oh!” said Sumary, blushing. “Yes, I suppose they do, but–well–we only have people in C____, and they’re certainly not indiscriminate or promiscuous. I’m talking about other races.”

“People,” said Steff. “Practicum. Huh.”

“This is a wonderful opportunity for me! I’m most interested in how all of you get along, especially since most of you wouldn’t meet each other in the wild,” said Sumary.

“WHO! IS! THE! NEW! LESBIAN!!!” shrieked Sooni.

“This is Sumary,” said Steff, eyes narrowed. “‘Wouldn’t know each other in the wild.’ I was right. You’re a xenopology major, aren’t you.”

“Yes!” said Sumary brightly, putting her hand out again. “I hope to increase understanding of non-human races, so that we can find ways to help them integrate more fully into society!”

“We have our own societies, thanks,” said Steff. “You’ve got a lot of nerve moving into this dorm, I’ll give you that. Hey, Amy, can you tell if Vanilla Girl here is a virgin?”

“Why would you want to know that?” said Sumary nervously.

A little while later, Two and Steff lugged a heavy bundle up the stairs to Steff’s room. “I did not think Amaranth would like this idea,” said Two.

“She makes exceptions for xenopology majors,” said Steff. “Besides, Mack needed to eat, and I have a midterm coming up.”

This first one is from Seth Gray, author of Dead Boyfriend. It is entitled…

Once upon a time, in a land not entirely unlike our own, there lived a Fearsome Gladiator named the Firebard. He wasn’t born that, of course. But his real name was altogether a completely unsuitable name for a Fearsome Gladiator.

Now, being a Fearsome Gladiator is fun and all, but it does only get one so far. So one day, our Fearsome Gladiator decided that he would trade up, and instead become a Wandering Hero.

“How does one become a Wandering Hero?” he wondered. “I guess the first step is to wander. To the horsemobile!”

And so, our Fearsome Gladiator the Firebard leapt astride his horse and set off for Parts Unknown.

On his way through the first principality of Parts Unknown (The Mysterious Forest, natch), he ran into a vertically unchallenged woman with a spear in her hand.

“Hello!” said she. “I am the Littlest Storm Giant.”

“Little, huh?” our Wandering Hero replied. “I am a Wandering Hero.”

The Littlest Storm Giant canted her little-giant head. “Don’t you have to wander to be a Wandering Hero?”

“I am,” the Firebard replied.

“Oh,” said she, “Because it looks an awful lot like you aren’t moving.”

“Tell me, oh Littlest Storm Giant,” said the Wandering Hero, ignoring her, “Do you know what kinds of things a Wandering Hero engages in?”

“Of course!” said the giant brightly. “Hero-type things.”

“Any suggestions?”

Enthused, the giant said, “You could rescue princesses, or slay monsters, or topple corrupt governments! Or some combination of all three, after which you shall be rewarded in sexual favors.”

After a moment, the Firebard said, “I rather like the sound of that.”

“If you’re interested, I have it on good authority from a Shady Business Woman of Ill Repute that there’s a rare kind of monster in the Supposedly Impassable Mountains That Always Prove Central to the Plot.”

“Do you happen to know where that is?”

The Littlest Storm Giant turned and pointed with her storm-giant spear. “Just there. It’s through the Mysterious Forest, past the Enchanted Castle, with a left at the Abandoned Dwarven Encampment.”

“That peak poking up ominously in the distance?”

“That’s the one!”

“I suppose there will be a series of lesser adventures along the way?” asked the Firebard.

The Littlest Storm Giant shrugged. “Well, that depends. You don’t seem to have a Plucky Sidekick, and Plucky Sidekicks are essential to getting sidetracked along the way, so I’m not sure how that works.”

“I’ve got it,” said the former Fearsome Gladiator. “How would you like to be my Plucky Sidekick?”

“I’d love to!”

And thus, our Wandering Hero and the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant headed off through Parts Unknown.

“You know,” said our hero to the sidekick on their weary travels, “since you’re a female Plucky Sidekick, doesn’t that mean the atmosphere should be rife with unavoidable sexual tension?”

The Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant just looked at him blankly.

“Right,” the Firebard sighed.

In no time at all, as these things are measured, they made it unharmed through the Mysterious Forest, natch, and arrived at the gates of the Enchanted Castle.

“We should go inside,” said the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant.

The Wandering Hero stopped his horse, taking in the Enchanted Castle. “You think so?”

“I can hear someone weeping,” the sidekick said. “Plus, I’m the Plucky Sidekick. To go off on lesser adventures you have to listen to me.”

“Well, can’t argue with that.”

The hero and his sidekick entered the courtyard of the Enchanted Castle. Sitting on the edge of a fountain was the source of the weeping. At first glance, the Firbard would have said it was a young elven girl, but then he noticed the erection tenting the front of her silvery-white gown as she wept into her scarf.

“Uh, pardon me?” said our hero. “What seems to be the trouble?”

“Trouble? Trouble!” said the other. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m the Captured Elven Princess.”

“Princess?” The Firebard was a bit confused. “You are visibly aroused.”

The elf gave him a dirty look. “I am a Captured. Elven. Princess!”

“Okay, okay.” Heroically dropping the issue, the Firebard agreed. “You’re a fairy princess.”

The Princess nodded. “Yes,” and then promptly burst into tears once again.

“Hello,” said the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant. “I am the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant.”

“You should change your name to a symbol,” the Captured Princess said.

“But how would I pronounce it?” asked the Plucky Sidekick, confused.

The Captured Princess shrugged. “Any way you want, it’s your symbol.”

“As thrilling as this is,” broke in our hero, “might we return to the matter at hand.”

The Captured Princess rose and tossed her scarf on the ground. “Nah, I’m over it. If you can just take me to the Stronghold of the Noble Savage Ogres I would be much obliged. I have to wed the Tortured Ogre Prince in order to cement an alliance between our lands.”

“Tortured?” asked the hero with interest. “Does this prince need the services of, say, a Wandering Hero?”

The princess shrugged. “It’s the emotional kind of tortured.”

“Oh,” said the hero, disappointed.

“So,” said the Captured Princess. “Threesome?”

“Oh, yes!” The Plucky Sidekick squealed. “We shall all three travel the roads together as a wandering threesome.”

“That works too,” said the princess.

“Yes, we must return you to your intended,” said our Wandering Hero.

The Wandering Hero helped the Captured Princess onto his horsemobile, and they were off. Fortunately, the Stronghold of the Noble Savage Ogres was on the way to Abandoned Dwarven Encampment. Our intrepid protagonists dropped the Princess off with her betrothed, and were soon on their way once again.

They took a left at the Abandoned Dwarven Encampment and continued on toward that ominous peak. They arrived at the Supposedly Impassable Mountains That Always Prove Central to the Plot, risking life and limb to do so.

“Look at that!” declared the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant. “We have arrived at the Supposedly Impassable Mountains That Always Prove Central to the Plot, though we risked life and limb to do so.”

“Yes,” said the Wandering Hero, “I did notice that, actually. How are we supposed to pass them?”

“You aren’t,” said the Plucky Sidekick. “They are impassible.”

“They are supposedly impassible,” argued the hero, “which isn’t quite the same thing. Besides that, they’re central to the plot, so there has to be a way.”

“If there is a way, I don’t know what it is,” said the sidekick.

“Good thing I showed up then, isn’t it?” said a familiar voice from behind them.

“Why, it’s the Captured Elven Princess!” proclaimed the Plucky Sidekick in astonishment. “What are you doing here?”

“And what about your husband?” asked the Wandering Hero.

“We decided to see other people,” said the princess. “And as for what I’m doing here, before I was captured I was the Rebellious Elven Princess.”

“If you’re so rebellious, why couldn’t you rescue yourself?” asked the hero.

The princess shrugged. “Demands of the genre, you know how it is. How much brain or skill a princess does or does not possess is totally irrelevant in light of the hero’s quest.”

“Which is why you’re here now?”

“Exactly,” said the Rebellious Princess. “You know the Stereotypical Elf Skills and Natural Abilities? I have them. With my superior elven eyes, I can see the trail through the mountains and will lead the way.”

The Wandering Hero made a gallant gesture. “Lead on.”

And like so, with the aid of the Rebellious Princess, our Wandering Hero and the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant made it through the Supposedly Impassible Mountains. When they were deep in, they discovered a tower hewn from the rock of the mountain side.

“That’s probably important, isn’t it?” said our Wandering Hero.

“Considering there’s a guard at the gate,” replied the Rebellious Princess, “I would say so.”

“There’s a gate?”

“Superior elven eyes. It’s a thing.”

They continued on until the gate became clear to everyone in the party. As they got closer, they saw the guard was an attractive young woman.

“The guard,” exclaimed our hero. “It’s wench.”

“I think she’s a golem,” said the princess. “So more like a pseudowench.”

“I am the Guardian at the Gate,” said the golem. “None may pass.”

“Do we have to fight now?” asked the Wandering Hero.

“I have to do as I am told,” replied the Guardian at the Gate.

“Oh, well then step aside,” said the Plucky Sidekick.

She did, but as the group started forward said, “None may pass.”

“But I thought you have to do as you’re told?” said the hero.

“I do,” said the Guardian at the Gate. “And I was told that none may pass.”

“I’ve got it,” said the Rebellious Princess. “What if you come inside with us? That way we’re not passing you.”

“Okay,” said the guardian.

With that obstacle overcome, the Wandering Hero and his band entered the tower. Inside they found another young woman, who was not quite as attractive, and in fact looked a little like a drowned rat.

“You’re the rare kind of monster?” asked our Wandering Hero dubiously.

“Yes,” said the monster. “I am the Anguished Demon Struggling Against Her Nature.”

“Aren’t demons supposed to pillage and plunder and loot?” pointed out the princess.

“See above re: Struggling Against Her Nature,” was the demon’s reply. “I locked myself in this tower so I wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

“This won’t do at all,” said the hero. “I can’t slay a monster that hasn’t hurt anyone. That would be entirely unheroic.”

The Rebellious Princess sighed. “No, you don’t kill her. You embrace her for the human parts of her, reject her demonic nature, and accept her as she is. At which point you will be rewarded with sexual favors.”

The Wandering Hero brightened. “Ah, gotcha.”

“All’s well that ends well,” said the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant happily.

“I don’t know about that,” said the hero. “Shouldn’t we be worried about that Shady Business Woman of Ill repute? She was after the monster too.”

“Nah,” said the Rebellious Princess. “That kind of thing only ever comes up in a sequel.”