Tales of MU

“I had an altercation with my resident advisor today,” Dee said.

She was sitting on the floor in front of the hearth, her face towards the fireplace. Teddi wasn’t if she was facing the fire, or facing away from her.

“I’m not sorry,” Dee added, though Teddi had said nothing. “I feel as though I should apologize, though I am not sure to whom, or for what. The obvious recipient would be her, but I cannot think of what I would say without becoming angry. I could say that I am sorry that it was necessary, but for that again I am angry and not truly remorseful.”

“We don’t apologize solely for the benefit of the listener,” Teddi said. “If you’re feeling guilty, Dee…”

“I am not. I feel horribly remiss in my duty for not feeling guilty about a willful act of disrespect towards a person in a position of responsibility,” Dee said. “And I do not know what to do about that.”

“If you don’t feel guilty… have you considered the possibility that you might have been in the right?” Teddi asked.

“That is often the first possibility I consider when dealing with my floormates,” Dee said. “I’ve found it to be more efficient to do so. In this case, my mind rebels at the thought… and yet I cannot see how I was wrong to do as I did.”

“Would you like to tell me exactly what it was that you did?”

“I am not certain it would make sense without the full context,” Dee said.

“I’m all ears.”

“I feel she has been remiss in her duties,” Dee said. “Sorely remiss.”

“There’s an elven philosopher who said that when a healer harms a patient, he is not a healer,” Teddi said. “In that moment, he is acting against the nature of his occupation. If you think about it in those terms, it could be said that you did not disrespect your resident advisor, you called a young woman out for failing to be one.”

“That sentiment does not seem very elven,” Dee said.

“I’m sorry, I mean, you know, the surface kind,” Teddi said. “What would you have done differently back home, had you felt someone wasn’t performing their job?”

“It would depend on whether or not it was my place,” Dee said. “Something I have no clear concept of here. Kiersta is a student like myself, though more senior. She has limited powers, which she rarely uses, though it seems she is not below overreaching them when she finally stirs herself to act. The impression I have gleaned from classmates housed outside of Harlowe vary… some treat their advisors as peers and some view them as nemeses or clowns. I have not yet encountered anyone who gave any indication that they viewed their resident advisor as a figure of real authority, though they’re clearly meant to be such.”

“I think part of the idea of having a student in charge of each floor is that they can be peers and authority figures,” Teddi said.

“Kiersta endeavors to be neither,” Dee said. “She associates only with the most closely human-descended residents on the floor and imposes discipline only when she has been personally inconvenienced by Mackenzie’s antics.”

“Is it always Mackenzie?”

“If we have time I would like to get to her,” Dee said. “But Kiersta… for public intimacy in the showers, she declared that Mackenzie should clean the whole of the bathing area for a week, and her latest partner would then do likewise.”

“You thought this was heavy-handed?”

“I was unaware of it, but in all honesty, I think it might have done Mackenzie some good,” Dee said. “She is not the cleanest person to begin with, she has a visceral reaction to the thought of physical labor that is unbecoming, and she has the bearing of a servant with a highly incompatible and inappropriate streak of uncontrolled arrogance that she will need to overcome if she is to lead the sort of life I expect she will be drawn towards. The problem came from the reaction of others on the floor, who decided to make her task more difficult by committing some rather extreme acts of vandalism. They were not caught, though they made no true attempt to hide their involvement… it certainly radiated strongly enough from their minds… but Kiersta made no attempt to determine the culprits or to redress the wrongdoing in the same way in which she did Mackenzie’s transgression.”

“And what did you do about that?” Teddi asked.

“I spoke with her,” Dee said. “I demanded that she act and she said she didn’t see it so she could not do anything. I suggested she change Mackenzie’s penalty to something that would not be an incentive for such actions and she declined. Finally, I lost my temper and told her that if she did not resign as resident advisor, I would expose her abuse of alcohol on campus… I believe this is known as ‘blackmail’.”

“It could almost be called that,” Teddi said. “But in all honesty, Dee, you’re not the first person who’s offered to let somebody step down voluntarily instead of being turned in for something that would remove them from an office anyway. It might even be thought of as a form of kindness, or civility.”

“I did not feel particularly civil at the moment,” Dee said. “I shook… my hands quivered. My voice rose and my lips quivered. I felt warm. It was not a pleasant encounter for either of us. She was terrified when I came in, and she became angry to push that away. She called me a rude name, but she was terrified again before I left.”

“You aren’t responsible for other peoples’ prejudices,” Teddi said. “You know that, right?”

“Certainly,” Dee said. “After I was done… I cleaned the bathroom myself. It was… a new experience. I had some apprehension about how to go about it, but then I simply took off my robes, tied a sash beneath my breasts, and got to work.”

“I think I get why you wouldn’t wear your priestess robes to do that sort of work, apart from keeping them clean,” Teddi said. “But would you mind explaining, for my own understanding… why the sash?”

“My Dehsah wears garments that frame the bosom and make it more… protuberant,” Dee said. “It seemed… appropriate to me.”

“There’s an association in your mind between Dehsah and cleaning?”

“We all clean up after ourselves to a greater degree than seems common within the Imperium,” Dee said. “But it falls to persons who lack other specific duties to do such chores, as they become necessary. Dehsah’s main task was the rearing of our family’s children, which involved cleaning; when there was no such work to do, the common areas would quickly grow pristine. My friend Two reminds me of Dehsah. She used to get out of bed in the middle of the night and clean the hall and the lounge when she couldn’t sleep. There are some other similarities, too.”

“Like what?”

“The appreciation for a sense of place,” Dee said. “The desire to be busy, to have work set before them. We all want to feel useful, even though it is not truly expected of Dehsah.”

“I don’t think anybody likes to feel useless,” Teddi said.

“But that is what Dehsah is for, as Two would say,” Dee said. “The halfkind do the odd jobs because they have no other purpose. An older name for them translates as ‘ornament person’ or even ‘useless person’. There was a vogue in some houses, between ten and twelve centuries ago, for binding the feet of growing halfkinds so they could not walk unaided. It’s a cyclical trend… the last time it was in fashion was two millennia before that. Dehsah was born between these periods, a fact for which I am glad, but they are rooted in a simple truth of our society: the point of raising halfkind is a sort of boasting that the house can afford someone who is neither male nor female, who can fulfill no role and who exists to consume resources and display their looks.”

“But unless I’ve completely misunderstood you, they do have roles,” Teddi said. “Apart from looking pretty. They do the ‘odd jobs’, as you put it. They rear important children. They, uh, service folks. They liaise with the monks.”

“After so many millennia, I suppose they do have roles a sort,” Dee said. “But if you understood how our society is ordered, you would understand that each of those things is not a discrete function in and of itself, but one that falls between or outside the boundaries of male and female responsibility. I do not wish to spend more time on this subject.”

“Alright, Dee,” Teddi said. “We don’t have to talk about that.”

“The other way in which Two reminds me of Dehsah is somewhat odd,” Dee said. “In that they aren’t really very much alike at all. But they each have a somewhat… askew… perspective on things. I do not mean to say that their personalities are similar, but that they differ in similar ways.”

“They’re quirky?” Teddi supplied.

“I have only heard that word applied to magical implements with a defect in their enchantment,” Dee said.

“It’s not a negative label,” Teddi said. “It can even connote fondness.”

“Then perhaps it is the correct word,” Dee said.

She grew silent. The fire popped and cracked convincingly. Dee said nothing else and Teddi counted off the seconds.

“How did you come to be cleaning the bathroom?” she asked.

“It would not have been an easy or pleasant task to undo the vandalism without greater magic than comes in a bottle of commercial cleansing concoctions… or with a gift like mine.”

“Your telekinesis is still growing, then?”

“Opening would be the word I would use,” Dee said.

“Does that worry you?”

“No,” Dee said. “Not as such.”

“You do have a concern, then,” Teddi said.

“I fear the effect it will have on my perceived fitness for the matriarchy,” Dee said.

“If you don’t want to be matriarch, couldn’t that be a blessing in disguise?” Teddi asked.

“My fear is that my perceived fitness will increase,” Dee said. “Telekinesis is a rarer gift than telepathy. Most of my line has it to some degree, but at a level that one of my instructors refers to as ‘spoon bending’.”

“Is telekinesis a valuable trait for a matriarch?”

“It could be seen as a sign of divine favor,” Dee said. “It certainly increases my ability to secure my personal safety, which is far more important for a matriarch than a chapel priestess. A house leader must go out and be seen, must interact with delegations from other houses. A low priestess can go a human’s lifetime without seeing anyone outside her own house.”

“Is that something you desire, Dee?”

“I’m merely remarking on the differing levels of security concerns between the two positions.”

“I would think that your coming here displays an interest in traveling outside your normal borders,” Teddi said. “Expanding your horizons.”

“Interesting phrase,” Dee said. “I feel as though I am supposed to be here. No, that’s not correct. I felt as though I was supposed to come here. I was not happy to leave my home, nor to arrive here.”

“Are you unhappy here?”

“I’m frequently frustrated,” Dee said. “I am lonely and homesick and shocked at the brutal barbarism that surrounds me on a continual basis. The lack of respect for basic privacy appalls me. The ways in which I see men treating women make me sick with rage. I’m a decade older than my supposed peers, and it seems I had more control over my person than they do before I had control over my bladder. But my goddess wanted me to come here, and I am learning things that will be of value.”

“What would you be doing, if you hadn’t come here?” Teddi asked. “You’re already a priestess. Would you be serving in the house chapel?”

“I was,” Dee said. “The situation was somewhat awkward, as I am of too great a social rank for any of the positions that were open to me. Technically, I would have precedence… as a firstborn daughter of the line, I could supplant any woman serving in the chapel, but at my age I would not be supported in that action and none would be likely to step aside on her own.”

“But when you’re older?”

“It might become more appropriate,” Dee said.

“Your ambition is to be the, uh, low priestess of your chapel?”

“I have no ambition except to serve,” Dee said.

“Dee… you aren’t in your priestess robes now,” Teddi said gently. “You can speak your own mind.”

“I apologize,” Dee said. “I am not trying to be disingenuous with you.”

“I’m not encouraging honesty for my own sake,” Teddi said. “I would get paid the same if you recited a romance novel… or if you didn’t show up at all. But you are here, and you’re my patient, not a priestess, so you might as well tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I do feel that taking on greater my duties in the temple would make it less likely I would be selected as matriarch,” Dee said. “And… to be completely honest… part of me did chafe at being a simple attendant in most ceremonies.”

“How do your… uh… parents feel about career path?” Teddi asked. “Are they supportive?”

“My stepmother seems a bit conflicted,” Dee said.

“How so?”

“I would have to speculate,” Dee said. “Her mind is like a wall of iron… a wall of iron I do not particularly care for the sight of.”

“Go ahead,” Teddi said. “It’s just you and me here… it’s not like she’s going to be condemned on your words.”

“She wishes for my mother to rule,” Dee said. “If my place were cemented in the chapel, this would become more likely. However, I believe… and again, I stress that this is barest speculation… that she fears what I might do if I became more powerful in the house hierarchy than my mother, as I would if I became low priestess while the current matriarch sits.”

“What might you do?”

“I do not honestly know what she fears,” Dee said. “The low priestess does not have official power outside chapel operations, though she does wield considerable influence. I cannot imagine using that influence to inflict petty harm on my stepmother, but apparently she is more imaginative than I.”

“And your mother?”

“Durilla’s opinion on the matter seems to be quite sufficient for her.”

“Do you feel guilty for not liking your stepmother more?”

“I would feel terribly guilty if I felt anything less than love for Durilla Degra,” Dee said.

“One thing I’ve heard other patients say about their family members is ‘I love them, but I don’t like them’,” Teddi said. “We don’t get to choose our family, and it’s great if we can get along with them, but people are who they are.”

“The only times I can remember my parents disagreeing with each other, it involved my lovers,” Dee said. “They had opposite opinions on two of them. My mother was aghast at my relationship with my Dehsah. Her first reaction was to try to have Dehsah removed from the house.”

“Why?”

“My pursuit of Dehsah began before I was of age,” Dee said. “She thought I had been seduced. Of course she was not successful. Dehsah is part of our house’s pride, along with our line of matriarchs. But it was never easy for my mother to accept it. A person like Dehsah is not an ideal match, which was more of an issue as I had not yet displayed love for the other sexes. That may be… again, I stress that this is speculation… that may be why Durilla Degra convinced her to accept it. It made me look ridiculous to some eyes and diminished my suitability as an heiress. Also, while I would have been required to produce a daughter eventually even if I had no relationship with a man, this would not happen as a matter of course with Dehsah as my lover.”

“I’m sorry, but didn’t you tell me that Dehsah is… functionally equipped?”

“Yes,” Dee said. “But that is not the same thing as being a man.”

“She’s infertile?”

“I do not believe so,” Dee said. “If anything, halfkind are known for their virility. It’s simply not a factor.”

“But she could father a child, potentially.”

“The idea is ridiculous and more than a little disgusting,” Dee said.

“I’m sorry,” Teddi said. “It’s a tangent. I don’t know much about your culture. I don’t understand why… if having a daughter were so important and if you didn’t have a separate male lover… why it couldn’t be with Dehsah.”

“How do you feel about anal intercourse?” Dee asked.

“I think it’s a perfectly valid and healthy form of sexual expression,” Teddi said. “And I know it’s important to the elven cultures.”

“You think,” Dee said. “You know. Be honest with me: how do you feel?”

“No offense, but it’s gross,” Teddi said. “You won’t catch me doing it.”

“Imagine a child born from that,” Dee said.

“That’s how you feel about your lover?”

“That’s how I feel about the prospect of Dehsah giving me a child,” Dee said. “I understand you have a notion that the ‘father’ of a child should ideally be the mother’s lover, but this is not a standard among my people. Darek is likely a suitable enough male that he could be both my wife and my mate, but the latter is a…”

“Wife?”

“Is that not the word?”

“‘Husband’ is what we call a male spouse,” Teddi said.

“I learned that as a verb. ‘To shepherd, conserve, guard.’,” Dee said. “Are men shepherded by their wives?”

“I think the idea was the other way around,” Teddi said.

“Ah,” Dee said. “Very well. Darek could serve as both my husband and my mate, but the latter is a fleeting condition whereas the former is a lifetime commitment. He will likely give several other women children, with no implications on our relationship with each other.”

“Isn’t reproduction a rare privilege?” Teddi asked.

“Yes, but most women are accorded it at least once, if they live long enough,” Dee said. “But only a small amount of men are given the responsibility of giving children. Their suitability is judged by the house elders on an individual basis… the ideal ratio is one accepted for every seven who is passed over. Thus, Darek could statistically expect to serve as mate for eight women, though his union with me is likely to make him more ‘fashionable’ than that.”

“And this doesn’t bother you?”

“It’s part of his suitability,” Dee said. “I do not choose my lovers on that basis, obviously, but it was a bit of a relief to have one who wasn’t the source of a conflict with my mother.”

“What about the men who aren’t selected?” Teddi asked. “Are they expected to abstain?”

“From breeding,” Dee said. “You have to remember that it is not uncommon for men to love each other, among elves. But even those who favor the love of the opposite sex may enter into a relationship and even marry. Breeding and sex are viewed as distinctive actions. Though, some of the men who are relieved of the duty to breed do have themselves altered as a point of pride.”

“Altered?”

“Castrated,” Dee said. “I suppose you would call it a sub-culture. The men with breeding duty are… flayed?”

“What?” Teddi said.

“The skin is removed,” Dee said. “Have I said it incorrectly?”

“Oh, do you mean ‘circumcised’?” Teddi asked.

“The answer to that question hinges upon the definition of that word,” Dee said.

“It’s the removal of the foreskin of the penis,” Teddi said.

“Oh,” Dee said. “Yes. That. They are circumcised by a priestess. Those who are relieved sometimes choose to be castrated by the same. They form their own sub-gender.”

“Like the halfkind?”

“Not precisely,” Dee said. “The altered are considered to be a sort of ultra-male, where the halfkind are not fully male nor female.”

“I’m not sure if you’re using the right word again,” Teddi said. “‘Ultra’ would mean similar to ‘super’ or ‘extra’, ‘more than usual’, or maybe ‘extreme’.”

“Yes,” Dee said. “Extreme males. That would be exactly the word I would use.”

“After they’re castrated.”

“Yes,” Dee said. “Some houses encourage it more, as a point of pride in their men. Ours leaves it an individual choice. The ratio is about the same as those who breed: one in eight. In my time in the chapel, I participated in three castrations and four circumcisions. My Darek was evaluated as part of a group of eight, five of whom chose to undergo alteration, if he is to be believed.”

“Is that significant?” Teddi asked.

“He claims they felt compelled to prove their manhood,” Dee said.

“This is your therapy session,” Teddi said. “But I’m feeling more and more confused.”

“We could speak mind to mind if you thought that would help.”

“I think the barrier here is cultural rather than linguistic,” Teddi said. “In my culture… in most cultures I know of… the concept of ‘manliness’, of ‘masculinity’, is bound up in sexual potency and in the physical genitalia. A man who loses part of them may feel ‘diminished’ for a period of time.”

“Interesting,” Dee said. “Why would that be so?”

“Well… it could be because it’s the most obvious physical difference of what sets apart men and women,” Teddi said. “And for better or for worse, there is a stigma in our culture against a man being perceived as feminine.”

“But merely removing the genitals, even in their entirety, does not transform a male body into a female one,” Dee said.

“But you can see how that body would be seen as less male,” Teddi said.

“In quantity of male body, perhaps,” Dee said. “But if a man loses his hand, could not the same thing be said? His body is less one male part.”

“I think this is just a different cultural construction… I’m sorry,” Teddi said. “I have a lot of questions and I fear it’s getting astray of your issues… but it is helpful in letting me understand where you’re coming from when you talk about Dehsah and Darek and your, uh, mothers.”

“It’s quite alright,” Dee said. “I have a lot of thoughts to sort out, and my friends rarely express interest in hearing about my homeland. When they do, they can scarcely contain their scorn for it. You radiate shock, but you aren’t so judgmental.”

“Just out of curiousity… if you consider Durilla Degra to be your stepmother… if Darek and you married, and you had a child, whether by him or not, would he be considered anything to it?”

“You are determined to find a father in my culture,” Dee said.

“Sorry,” Teddi said. “Your family dynamics are hard for me to grasp.”

“There is the partnership among spouses, there are lines of descent, and there are families,” Dee said. “Dehsah is already my family, being d’Wyri. Darek is descended from my family, unofficially. Marriage won’t change either of those. My daughter will be family to Dehsah and not to Darek. Had I a female wife in this scenario, she would be in the position I have been calling stepmother.”

“But even if Darek fathered your daughter, you wouldn’t see a connection between them?” Teddi asked.

“Honestly?” Dee said. “It would be considered a bit of a romantic notion, but I enjoy the thought of a child born of my body, given by Darek and reared by Dehsah. It seemed like an additional tie among the three of us. It was Dehsah who pointed this out, when the four of us were in bed.”

“Four?”

“Alea,” Dee said. “She… did not appreciate the notion, even when Darek offered to give her a child as well.”

“Was she jealous?”

“She had no reason to be,” Dee said. “Woman love is a sacred and special thing, greater than man love, which is greater than all other loves. Whatever ties of biology we could contrive, my bonds with Dehsah and Darek could not rival the bond I shared with Alea.”

“You don’t talk about her as much as you do the others.”

“I have less past with her and no future,” Dee said. “There is not as much to talk about.”

“How did you meet Alea?”

“She came from… an orphanage, I suppose you would call it. I think the literal translation would be ‘the outhouse’.”

“The outhouse?”

“Yes,” Dee said. “It is a social institution for the protection of children of the polloi who have no mother. It is analogous to a house, for those without one.”

“Oh,” Teddi said. “‘Outhouse’ has an idiomatic meaning in Pax.”

“I gather from your shocked tone that it would not be a flattering one?”

“No.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a freestanding structure sheltering a, uh, pit toilet.”

“I see,” Dee said. “I believe I shall stay with the term ‘orphanage’. Alea did not speak much of her experiences growing up in the orphanage, but I believe they did not warrant that term. She assisted in their chapel as a child, and was judged to show the right attitudes and aptitudes for the priestesshood, so she was sent to us in order to learn more by assisting our priestesses in greater rites than were performed for the children.”

“Similar to an apprenticeship, then?” Teddi asked.

“Yes,” Dee said. “I suppose it was. As an uninitiated novice, Alea was given to me to instruct.”

“You were her teacher?”

“For a time,” Dee said.

“As Dehsah taught you?”

“Dehsah is not equipped to be a priestess,” Dee said. “In any sense. I do not think a person is alive who has been flogged for impiety more times.”

“Does she ever feel guilty?”

“Never,” Dee said. “Except when I express disappointment. In my prouder moments, I flatter to think that my love may one day provide the correction that centuries of lashings could not.”

“Do you ever envy her, Dee?”

“Envy Dehsah?” Dee asked. “Whatever for? I am not expected to have that kind of beauty.”

“For not feeling guilty,” Teddi said. “For being able to be ‘bad’ and get away with it.”

“I assure you, Dehsah is punished severely for any wrongdoing.”

“Not in her head, she’s not,” Teddi said. “From what you say.”

“I suspect the list of things that are not in Dehsah’s head is quite extensive,” Dee said. “If the good sense to be properly chastised is among them, the dubious benefits of that one deficiency do not outweigh the others.”

“Is that really what you think of your lover?” Teddi asked.

“It is right now,” Dee said. “I may think more fondly of Dehsah at a calmer time.”

“Fair enough,” Teddi said.

“It isn’t,” Dee said. “It is horribly unfair. I am angry and I take it out on someone who is not even present.”

“And you feel guilty for that,” Teddi said. “Even though she is not even present.”

“I still feel no envy.”

“Have you given any thought to what you’ll do if Kiersta does resign?”

“No action will be required of me,” Dee said. “I have been giving thought to how best to follow through on my words if she does not.”

“The floor won’t have a resident advisor, though.”

“I am not sure it is anything more than an unfounded rumor that we have one now,” Dee said.

“Have you ever considered applying for the position?” Teddi asked. “I’m not sure whether it would be open to a frosh in the first semester, if she did resign this semester.”

“I have not given thought to any such thing,” Dee said.

“I think you might find you have an aptitude for it,” Teddi said. “And it might help you with one of your ongoing problems.”

“Which problem would that be?”

“As you put it, everyone likes to feel useful,” Teddi said. “Right now, your only duties are your classes, and no matter how much time they consume, they’re a duty you owe to yourself. You are the primary beneficiary of any effort you expend on them. True?”

“True,” Dee said.

“You told me on Monday that you felt you’d bit off more than you could chew, helping your friend,” Teddi said.

“I do not believe I used that exact phrase,” Dee said. “But yes.”

“Do you think that might have happened because you were trying to act as a priestess?” Teddi said.

“I am a priestess,” Dee said.

“But how frequently do you fulfill the definition of one?” Teddi asked. “How often do you feel useful?”

“With a regularity that should be both depressing and alarming, considering that outside chapel functions my talents are most useful in an emergency,” Dee said. “But… not on a routine basis, no.”

“You’re in here three times a week,” Teddi said. “And while I’m always here for you and I’ve learned a lot about your culture, I think there’s a limit to how much progress you can make by thinking out loud.”

“You do not think it is fruitful to continue these sessions?” Dee asked, sounding worried.

“I would not say that at all,” Teddi said. “I can tell you’re working your way, uh, down to certain things and I don’t want to rush you. But I also think you need another outlet. I don’t think you are going to find a forsaken chapel any closer than the mountains so I would recommend a part time job of some sort… and in my opinion, you have everything you would need to be an outstanding resident advisor except for the experience, and there’s only one way to get that.”

“I would have to consider the matter,” Dee said. “I could not let it interfere with my studies, nor with my attempts to locate the artifact.”

“You’re still looking for that?”

“It is difficult,” Dee said. “I cannot divine it directly; that is like searching for the sun.”

“The sun’s not that hard to find.”

“A fact which would stand in your favor if you ever wished to gaze at it,” Dee said.

“I see your point,” Teddi said. “But do you think it’s possible that you’re still doing the same thing you did on Sunday? Trying to handle this yourself?”

“I would not engage with it,” Dee said. “I merely wish to locate it, so that I may inform somebody more capable.”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Teddi said.

“I suppose I may have a better chance of becoming a resident advisor within the walls of Harlowe than I would being hired in food services,” Dee said.

“Technically, the work programs are supposed to be equal opportunity,” Teddi said. “Though you’re aware enough that I won’t sugarcoat things for you. Honestly, if the RA position doesn’t become available, or you don’t want it? I think the next best job might be something in housekeeping.”

“Because I showed an aptitude for that, as well?”

“I think it might be good for you,” Teddi said. “Physical labor isn’t just for half-demons, you know.”

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Characters: Dee, Teddi Lundegard