Note from the author: I’m taking a little hiatus this week… the official notice of this was meant to go up on Monday, along with a fun little story from a guest author. I thought I had it all queued up right so that it would do so automatically with no further help from me, but it seems I didn’t do it right. C’est la vie. So, instead of doing these guest spots Monday-Wednesday-Friday as I’d intended (and the announcement on Monday would have said), they’re going to run today, tomorrow, and Friday.
This first one is from Seth Gray, author of Dead Boyfriend. It is entitled…
Once upon a time, in a land not entirely unlike our own, there lived a Fearsome Gladiator named the Firebard. He wasn’t born that, of course. But his real name was altogether a completely unsuitable name for a Fearsome Gladiator.
Now, being a Fearsome Gladiator is fun and all, but it does only get one so far. So one day, our Fearsome Gladiator decided that he would trade up, and instead become a Wandering Hero.
“How does one become a Wandering Hero?” he wondered. “I guess the first step is to wander. To the horsemobile!”
And so, our Fearsome Gladiator the Firebard leapt astride his horse and set off for Parts Unknown.
On his way through the first principality of Parts Unknown (The Mysterious Forest, natch), he ran into a vertically unchallenged woman with a spear in her hand.
“Hello!” said she. “I am the Littlest Storm Giant.”
“Little, huh?” our Wandering Hero replied. “I am a Wandering Hero.”
The Littlest Storm Giant canted her little-giant head. “Don’t you have to wander to be a Wandering Hero?”
“I am,” the Firebard replied.
“Oh,” said she, “Because it looks an awful lot like you aren’t moving.”
“Tell me, oh Littlest Storm Giant,” said the Wandering Hero, ignoring her, “Do you know what kinds of things a Wandering Hero engages in?”
“Of course!” said the giant brightly. “Hero-type things.”
“Any suggestions?”
Enthused, the giant said, “You could rescue princesses, or slay monsters, or topple corrupt governments! Or some combination of all three, after which you shall be rewarded in sexual favors.”
After a moment, the Firebard said, “I rather like the sound of that.”
“If you’re interested, I have it on good authority from a Shady Business Woman of Ill Repute that there’s a rare kind of monster in the Supposedly Impassable Mountains That Always Prove Central to the Plot.”
“Do you happen to know where that is?”
The Littlest Storm Giant turned and pointed with her storm-giant spear. “Just there. It’s through the Mysterious Forest, past the Enchanted Castle, with a left at the Abandoned Dwarven Encampment.”
“That peak poking up ominously in the distance?”
“That’s the one!”
“I suppose there will be a series of lesser adventures along the way?” asked the Firebard.
The Littlest Storm Giant shrugged. “Well, that depends. You don’t seem to have a Plucky Sidekick, and Plucky Sidekicks are essential to getting sidetracked along the way, so I’m not sure how that works.”
“I’ve got it,” said the former Fearsome Gladiator. “How would you like to be my Plucky Sidekick?”
“I’d love to!”
And thus, our Wandering Hero and the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant headed off through Parts Unknown.
“You know,” said our hero to the sidekick on their weary travels, “since you’re a female Plucky Sidekick, doesn’t that mean the atmosphere should be rife with unavoidable sexual tension?”
The Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant just looked at him blankly.
“Right,” the Firebard sighed.
In no time at all, as these things are measured, they made it unharmed through the Mysterious Forest, natch, and arrived at the gates of the Enchanted Castle.
“We should go inside,” said the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant.
The Wandering Hero stopped his horse, taking in the Enchanted Castle. “You think so?”
“I can hear someone weeping,” the sidekick said. “Plus, I’m the Plucky Sidekick. To go off on lesser adventures you have to listen to me.”
“Well, can’t argue with that.”
The hero and his sidekick entered the courtyard of the Enchanted Castle. Sitting on the edge of a fountain was the source of the weeping. At first glance, the Firbard would have said it was a young elven girl, but then he noticed the erection tenting the front of her silvery-white gown as she wept into her scarf.
“Uh, pardon me?” said our hero. “What seems to be the trouble?”
“Trouble? Trouble!” said the other. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m the Captured Elven Princess.”
“Princess?” The Firebard was a bit confused. “You are visibly aroused.”
The elf gave him a dirty look. “I am a Captured. Elven. Princess!”
“Okay, okay.” Heroically dropping the issue, the Firebard agreed. “You’re a fairy princess.”
The Princess nodded. “Yes,” and then promptly burst into tears once again.
“Hello,” said the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant. “I am the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant.”
“You should change your name to a symbol,” the Captured Princess said.
“But how would I pronounce it?” asked the Plucky Sidekick, confused.
The Captured Princess shrugged. “Any way you want, it’s your symbol.”
“As thrilling as this is,” broke in our hero, “might we return to the matter at hand.”
The Captured Princess rose and tossed her scarf on the ground. “Nah, I’m over it. If you can just take me to the Stronghold of the Noble Savage Ogres I would be much obliged. I have to wed the Tortured Ogre Prince in order to cement an alliance between our lands.”
“Tortured?” asked the hero with interest. “Does this prince need the services of, say, a Wandering Hero?”
The princess shrugged. “It’s the emotional kind of tortured.”
“Oh,” said the hero, disappointed.
“So,” said the Captured Princess. “Threesome?”
“Oh, yes!” The Plucky Sidekick squealed. “We shall all three travel the roads together as a wandering threesome.”
“That works too,” said the princess.
“Yes, we must return you to your intended,” said our Wandering Hero.
The Wandering Hero helped the Captured Princess onto his horsemobile, and they were off. Fortunately, the Stronghold of the Noble Savage Ogres was on the way to Abandoned Dwarven Encampment. Our intrepid protagonists dropped the Princess off with her betrothed, and were soon on their way once again.
They took a left at the Abandoned Dwarven Encampment and continued on toward that ominous peak. They arrived at the Supposedly Impassable Mountains That Always Prove Central to the Plot, risking life and limb to do so.
“Look at that!” declared the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant. “We have arrived at the Supposedly Impassable Mountains That Always Prove Central to the Plot, though we risked life and limb to do so.”
“Yes,” said the Wandering Hero, “I did notice that, actually. How are we supposed to pass them?”
“You aren’t,” said the Plucky Sidekick. “They are impassible.”
“They are supposedly impassible,” argued the hero, “which isn’t quite the same thing. Besides that, they’re central to the plot, so there has to be a way.”
“If there is a way, I don’t know what it is,” said the sidekick.
“Good thing I showed up then, isn’t it?” said a familiar voice from behind them.
“Why, it’s the Captured Elven Princess!” proclaimed the Plucky Sidekick in astonishment. “What are you doing here?”
“And what about your husband?” asked the Wandering Hero.
“We decided to see other people,” said the princess. “And as for what I’m doing here, before I was captured I was the Rebellious Elven Princess.”
“If you’re so rebellious, why couldn’t you rescue yourself?” asked the hero.
The princess shrugged. “Demands of the genre, you know how it is. How much brain or skill a princess does or does not possess is totally irrelevant in light of the hero’s quest.”
“Which is why you’re here now?”
“Exactly,” said the Rebellious Princess. “You know the Stereotypical Elf Skills and Natural Abilities? I have them. With my superior elven eyes, I can see the trail through the mountains and will lead the way.”
The Wandering Hero made a gallant gesture. “Lead on.”
And like so, with the aid of the Rebellious Princess, our Wandering Hero and the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant made it through the Supposedly Impassible Mountains. When they were deep in, they discovered a tower hewn from the rock of the mountain side.
“That’s probably important, isn’t it?” said our Wandering Hero.
“Considering there’s a guard at the gate,” replied the Rebellious Princess, “I would say so.”
“There’s a gate?”
“Superior elven eyes. It’s a thing.”
They continued on until the gate became clear to everyone in the party. As they got closer, they saw the guard was an attractive young woman.
“The guard,” exclaimed our hero. “It’s wench.”
“I think she’s a golem,” said the princess. “So more like a pseudowench.”
“I am the Guardian at the Gate,” said the golem. “None may pass.”
“Do we have to fight now?” asked the Wandering Hero.
“I have to do as I am told,” replied the Guardian at the Gate.
“Oh, well then step aside,” said the Plucky Sidekick.
She did, but as the group started forward said, “None may pass.”
“But I thought you have to do as you’re told?” said the hero.
“I do,” said the Guardian at the Gate. “And I was told that none may pass.”
“I’ve got it,” said the Rebellious Princess. “What if you come inside with us? That way we’re not passing you.”
“Okay,” said the guardian.
With that obstacle overcome, the Wandering Hero and his band entered the tower. Inside they found another young woman, who was not quite as attractive, and in fact looked a little like a drowned rat.
“You’re the rare kind of monster?” asked our Wandering Hero dubiously.
“Yes,” said the monster. “I am the Anguished Demon Struggling Against Her Nature.”
“Aren’t demons supposed to pillage and plunder and loot?” pointed out the princess.
“See above re: Struggling Against Her Nature,” was the demon’s reply. “I locked myself in this tower so I wouldn’t hurt anyone.”
“This won’t do at all,” said the hero. “I can’t slay a monster that hasn’t hurt anyone. That would be entirely unheroic.”
The Rebellious Princess sighed. “No, you don’t kill her. You embrace her for the human parts of her, reject her demonic nature, and accept her as she is. At which point you will be rewarded with sexual favors.”
The Wandering Hero brightened. “Ah, gotcha.”
“All’s well that ends well,” said the Plucky Sidekick formerly known as the Littlest Storm Giant happily.
“I don’t know about that,” said the hero. “Shouldn’t we be worried about that Shady Business Woman of Ill repute? She was after the monster too.”
“Nah,” said the Rebellious Princess. “That kind of thing only ever comes up in a sequel.”
Hilarious!
THIS… is awesome lol
I LOLed at this. Thought that it was a brilliant parody of both MU and typical fantasy adventure.
Yes! It’s like ToMU meets “The (Elven) Princess Bride”!
Brilliant! 🙂
I needed this right about now. Brilliant.
So if this is our main characters reimagined, where’s Amy? Sounded like the wandering hero was Ian to me.
Also notably missing: Dee, Feejee, Puddy, Callahan, and perhaps most egregiously, Embries. What sort of trapped damsel in a tower is she without a dragon?
See ending re: stuff that comes up in the sequel.
The Plucky Sidekick formerly known as The Littlest Storm Giant is either very bad or VERY good at metafiction.
My metafanfiction:
Rebellious Elven Princess: It’s so difficult, looking for contract licenses where the fine print is too fine for me to see.
Firebard: Just call 1-800-Contracts. They have all kinds of brands.
R.E.P.: But I have elven eyes!
FB: Look! Look with your elven eyes! *holds up a branding iron of two knives crossing a sheaf of grain*
R.E.P.: My brand! *uses it on the Anguished Demon Struggling Against Her Nature*
And they lived happily ever after. Until Part 2.
Haha, that video never fails to make me laugh.